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2001 a School’s Odyssey: Hal’s Diary
April 20th, 2001:
Dear diary, you will never believe this, I GOT THE JOB!!!
They had 3 applications for head teacher, and they actually CHOSE me, I didn’t even have to resort to violence. Granted, “Violence” would have been me offering blow jobs and then threatening to bite, but still, I didn’t need to resort to it (shame really).
So, this is it, my Art degree has finally paid off and I got a real job, it’s Hal’s’s era now, AND WE SHALL RULE SUPREME … me and Mr. Snuggles.
April 23rd, 2001:
Dear diary, I am in. It was my first day as head honcho today and boyyyyy do they hate me, just because I pushed that fat kid down the stairs am the bad guy, those humourless little fucks.
Apparently I am a “wanker” “fuck-head” and “a waste of space”, and that’s just the teachers. Still, I will persevere and I will not falter. Come hell or high water I am going to do an Erin Brockovich and with love and compassion show them what a great gal I really am.
April 24th, 2001:
Dear diary, I sacked 32 teachers today.
April 29th, 2001:
Dear diary,
sorry it’s been a while, I’ve been kind of busy, you know how it is, sacking
people, kicking out students, and generally establishing my status as a no
nonsense kind of leader is no easy job.
Check this out, I was just thinking how all the teachers in school hate me, so I figured hi, why not get rid of as much of them as I can, and just get my old friends to take their places instead, am sure no one will mind.
Besides, running a school needs like minded people, that way I can rely on them to run the school with my ideas, giving me more time to spend with Mr. Snuggles.
May 3rd, 2001:
Dear diary, I might have been wrong about the “no one will mind” thing, it seems everybody does. But you know what I always say diary, FUCK THEM (that and “yes, I do swallow”).
By the way, my Number 2 was holding my umbrella for me today when he came up with a great idea; he was telling me how we can get rid of all the Black and Arab students from the school without looking racist (of course I am not racist, as you know diary I have 3 black friends).
Here is what we have to do, find out what courses White students do and what courses the inferiors do, then just cancel all the courses taken by the inferiors … genius or what!! I was so impressed by the idea I allowed Number 2 to suck my toes.
Am not going be THAT nice to him often of course, I don’t want him to think am turning soft.
May 5th, 2001:
Dear diary, can’t talk for long, Mr. Snuggles has a cold, I need to look after him.
May 8th, 2001:
Dear diary, IT’S HERE, my £10,000 mahogany table with leather interior and executive chair, and varnished only by the hands of virgin boys with large dicks has finally arrived.
OOOO diary, how lovely it looks!
Of course some jealous people in school (mostly students) are saying that could have used the table to buy much needed resources for the school but that can wait.
I mean, come on, so what if the fire alarms are outdated, it’s not like they are going to die.
O, and a lighter note, I’ve replaced the boys’ toilet doors with new doors with little windows in them, I was going to just get some of those nifty little cameras and stick them around the toilet but apparently it’s illegal (besides, it was either the cameras or the “luxurious 24 caret gold ink plots” in my table). And don’t worry diary, I sold the school some bullshit about “increasing the risk of getting caught if you smoke in there”, and they bought it. Idiots.
May 10th, 2001:
Dear diary, my Number 3 wanted to put the same doors in the girls’ toilets. Pervert.
May 14th, 2001:
Dear diary, I am a demy-god. I have personally found a way to end bullying. Here is what I and Mr. Snuggles agreed on. We hold a night to celebrate those considered to be geeks in school, that way the bullies realise how much they can learn from them, look up to them, and BAM, noble peace prize.
Of course this will cost a bit of money, but hi, it’s worth it. Besides, the fire alarms can wait.
May 29th, 2001:
Dear diary, am feeling blue.
The geeks’ night back fired. It seems that by pointing them out to the rest of the school I have placed a bull’s eye right on their chest, and most of them got a kicking for their trouble. That’s not really why am feeling blue though, I just thought that was funny and wanted to share it with you.
The reason am blue is because Mr. Snuggles left me. He said he wanted a time out to think things over, and that it wasn’t me, it was him. I think am going to learn to play the harmonica.
December 31st, 2001:
Dear diary, sorry it has been a really long while. Things just got too crazy too quickly for me to write them down, but I am going to try to summarise them as best I can.
After Mr. Snuggles left me to “think things over” I was really lonely, so after much persuasion I accepted Number 2’s offer to take me out on the town and show me a good time. So I put on my shiny leather pants and my fancy perfume and thought what the heck.
I should have known it was a mistake when some students saw me, but by then the chain of events had already begun to reel and there was nothing I can do to stop it.
Number 2 was sweet and charming, and I couldn’t help but fall for him, so we went on a paid vacation together to Barbados (I knew the money could PROBABLY have been more wisely to improve the school, but I was sure the fire alarms could wait), and there it started.
It begun with the letters asking me how I could do it, how I could leave him without saying goodbye. I knew it was Mr. Snuggles, but I didn’t know how to reply, no address and no phones number, just an unsigned note left under my hotel room door.
More and more often they came, and then the phone calls began. “can I speak to Hal?” he’d say, when he knew damn well it was me, that taunting bastard.
But there was nothing I can do but to leave Barbados and go back, maybe he’d leave me alone then. I couldn’t tell number 2, there was nothing he can do anyway, Mr. Snuggles was brutal and sadistic.
The final curtains fell where it all began, in Holland Parke School. It was the end of term, and everybody waiting for the Christmas holiday when he finally turned up.
I don’t know how, but me, Number 2 and Mr. Snuggles ended up in my office, and in the struggle my cigar fell on the carpet and the fire began.
I panicked and ran out of the school, in the knowledge that the fire alarm would warn the school and everybody would be fine. It seems the fire alarms couldn’t wait after all.
Am sitting here writing this in my hide out. As I understand it the police would like to “have a word with me”, but who are they kidding, am a head teacher, I KNOW what they mean when they say that, heck, I INVENTED that line. You walk in expecting a talk, and what you get is a dick down your throat. As I say, I INVENTED that line.
So there it is dear diary, I am a killer. Because of me, the mahogany desk is no more. (Oh, and some kids lost their lives, it seems the gas pipes needed replacement too)
2003 © Holland Parke School