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Master John Bater
Welcome peasants
Greetings peasants, you are reading the most sophisticated article on this web page.
You have made an excellent choice by clicking to read my article.
Freak Genius Concert
What do those boys from Freak Genius know about class?
Me and the headmaster dislike the way they speak they’re mind, why couldn’t they be more like the ass licking kids from the “Open Mic Competition”?
I’m not sure if you’ve heard but we cancelled two of they’re concerts for health and safety reasons, and because they were disobeying rule no.5: “No fun!”
My tribulation
Colin Hal has assigned me as the new “Health and safety make surer” at Holland Parke School.
And it was my duty to make sure everything was running smoothly.
As usual most of the children would do as Mr. Hal wanted and shove their heads so far up his ass that their feet would be sticking out.
We’ve always had a small number of people who think they can do as they please and disobey us!
Freak Genius have always caused us problems, because they think that disobeying us is somehow “Cool”, it’s not cool okay! You should conform! Go with the popular opinion! Conform I say!
I walked into the room in the English block where they were meant to hold their gig.
“You can’t use that equipment I’m afraid boys, no guitars or drums allowed. You are only allowed a laptop and some PC speakers to play your music” I said.
They were furious when I made those comments, but I was only following the rules.
I mean they don’t have to bring in guitars or drums, people can still hear the music from the PC speakers, and they have they’re music on MP3 anyway.
But they swore at me and called a “Cunt”, I asked them politely for their homework planners so I could write a nasty note, so that whenever people read their homework planners they read the comment and notice what a bunch of naughty boys they’ve been.
They refused, so I walked up to Mike and asked him to hand me his bag, and he started to hide his bag behind his back and push me aside.
He kept pushing me, and that’s when I went mad and we started wrestling each other on the floor.
I was finally exhausted and told them “Fine have it your way, your gig is cancelled, cancelled I tells you!”
A week later, they were unloading their equipment into the same room, “what do you think you’re doing?” I asked.
“We have permission to be here” Joolz said.
“But I thought I said no guitars or drums!” I affirmed.
“We have permission, read this and shut up” Joolz added.
I read the piece of paper he handed over to me, it said that a certain rule had been changed, allowing instruments into the school as long as someone was holding the instruments.
You see if the instruments weren’t being held they could cause a fire!
“Fair enough” I said.
But I carried on reading, and then I thought of spoiling everything once again, just for the fuck of it.
“Hold on a minute” I said.
“What is it dickweed?” Amir said.
“The rules state instruments from outside, it doesn’t talk about amplifiers, I’m afraid they’re not covered because they’re not instruments.” I said.
“But what sort of risk do they pose?” Mike asked.
“Well for one people might actually have fun, which is in violation of rule 5 ‘No fun’, secondly, the high voltage that these amplifiers give out might kill friendly cockroaches crawling around. Thirdly the amplifiers must be washed they could be contaminated.” I said.
“Washed? Isn’t that dangerous” Joolz asked.
“No, of course not, what do you know about holding a gig? Nothing! So I’m sorry to say that the gig has been cancelled again” I said.
They looked depressed as they carried their equipment out of the room.
“It’s for your own safety” I said.
“Suck yo mudda!” Amir shouted.
“I’ll let that pass, because I know you’re upset” I said politely.
Suddenly that ruffian Amir walked up to me and head butted me wildly.
“Ok I deserve that” I said.
Then all the sudden, Mike and Amir pinned me down to the floor and Joolz started to piss all over my glasses.
When they finished they walked away calmly as if nothing had happened.
“I deserve that” I said.
The following week, there was a banner outside the same room proclaiming that Freak Genius is going to be playing here.
I was angry as I never authorised this!
I opened the door to find the room full of people, and Freak Genius performing live!
I tried to walk around the crowd but it was such a squeeze I could hardly find my way to the front of the stage to tell off the band for breaking rule no. 7 ‘Good music is prohibited’.
So I started shouting “Rule no. 7 has been breached! I repeat rule no. 7 has been breached.
No one could hear me; they were all cheering and jumping.
So I started to shout louder and louder.
Then all the sudden Joolz called out “Lets show them a Freak Genius Moshpit!”
Suddenly everyone started jumping about and there was a lot of pushing and shoving.
Then I found myself on the floor, and people were jumping on my face and I started screaming “I can’t breath!” and they carried on jumping on my head.
In the end I managed to break loose from those animals and first thing in the morning I went to Mr. Hal’s office to tell him about what I had seen.
But he wasn’t even listening, he just put his foot in my mouth and told me to “Suck on it bitch!”
I deserve that.
2003 © Holland Parke School